Manage Better Under Pressure by Building Emotional Intelligence
In addition to developing active listening, I had to learn how to manage my emotional responses under pressure and foster a supportive, more productive environment for my team. What I’m talking about is Emotional Intelligence or EQ. Personally, I find this to be among the most challenging, if not the most challenging, aspects of managing restaurants: a high-pressure environment where emotions can run high.
Emotions can rise unexpectedly, and we often have little control over when or how they surface. Handling those emotions without reacting defensively or escalating the tension is a skill I strongly believe all leaders should work to develop, and it’s admittedly not easy.
We can develop control over how we respond to our feelings, especially when they are negative, like frustration, anger, or embarrassment. As you intentionally develop your EQ, it becomes easier to turn challenging feedback into an opportunity to improve your leadership, build trust, and foster a culture of open communication.
My Experience with Emotional Intelligence
As a young manager, I struggled with managing my emotions at work. When I felt frustrated or disappointed, especially when mistakes were made, or I had to repeat instructions during busy shifts, my agitation would show in my tone or body language. I was impatient and often assumed that my experience should be universal: if I was good at something, I expected others to be as well. If I cared deeply about a task, I expected the same level of investment from everyone else.
“[Dana] has been instrumental in aiding my growth within a cut-throat NYC hospitality market, and his knowledge of the industry and ability to serve as a leader was immediately impactful to the restaurant, me, and my colleagues.”
The feedback was clear: this was a bad way to manage people and they don’t like it. Well, obviously! It was “coming from a good place,” in that I wanted to bring the best out of my team. And I felt bad or guilty in hindsight, and I knew I needed to change my approach. First, I needed to catch myself when frustration flared up. Once I caught myself, the next step was to try and pause before snapping at someone or speaking to them in a way that wasn’t helpful to anyone.
By giving myself that moment to reflect, I found that I could choose how to respond, sometimes deferring the conversation to later when I wasn’t so heated or simply asking for space to think. Lastly, instead of just assuming that my perspective was correct, I started asking.
For example, “I noticed a lot of your tables don’t have water, do you need help?” or “The order isn’t in for table 32, what’s going on?” Today, I choose my words even more carefully to avoid making someone feel attacked. Phrasing a question like, “Can you help me understand…” really helps to make the person you’re talking to feel comfortable being honest.
How to Cultivate Emotional Intelligence
Building Emotional Intelligence isn’t something that happens overnight. And let’s be clear: you have to genuinely want to be a more effective leader. It takes constant practice, intention, and self-awareness, but the results will transform your experience as a manager and your teams performance.
1. Recognize the Feeling Before Reacting
The first step in building Emotional Intelligence is recognizing when an emotion is bubbling up. Before you react, take a mental step back and acknowledge the feeling. Developing this self-awareness can be challenging, but catching yourself before you react is key to staying in control of the situation.
Example: Service is falling behind, and you feel frustration rising. You may be thinking that “everyone” is messing up “everything.” Instead of snapping at someone (or everyone), take a breath, acknowledge the frustration, and then step outside of yourself for a moment to assess the best response.
2. Focus on Solutions
In the heat of service, it's essential to focus on finding solutions rather than getting caught up in frustration or blame. Your goal isn’t just to fix the immediate problem but to empower your team in the process. Let them know what you’re doing and why, so they feel supported rather than sidelined. This builds their confidence and helps them regain control in high-pressure moments.
Example: A server is falling behind—missed drinks, empty water glasses, and forgotten orders. Instead of expressing frustration, jump in to help and tell them what you're doing. You might say, "I’ll run these drinks for you while you catch up on orders." This gives them space to focus and recover, knowing you’re there to support them. After service, coach the team on how to avoid those mistakes in the future, but in the moment, show you're there to support and empower them.
3. Respond, Don’t React, and Stay Supportive
Once you've paused and found a solution, respond in a way that supports your team instead of adding stress. Staying calm and solution-oriented ensures the problem is fixed without creating more tension. Respond with questions or suggestions in a tone that encourages collaboration and lets your team know you're in it with them.
Example: Instead of saying, “Why isn’t table 12’s food out yet?” ask, “What can I do to help get this table taken care of?” This shifts the energy from blame to problem-solving and lets your team know you're there to support them.
Other examples include:
(To a chef) I’ve noticed we’re getting backed up—can you help me understand what’s causing the delay?
Can you walk me through what happened here?
Can you help me understand what got in the way of completing this task?
What can I do to help get us back on track?
Final Thoughts
As with active listening, developing Emotional Intelligence helps create an environment where open communication and understanding are the norms. By learning to manage your emotional responses and listen without judgment, you build a stronger, more resilient team. In the long run, these skills will help you navigate challenges with a clear head, leading to better decision-making and improved relationships with your team.
To be a great leader means being in tune with both your team and yourself. Your emotional responses can either help build trust or add tension. When you cultivate Emotional Intelligence, you’re not just becoming a better manager—you’re creating a team that feels heard, valued, and ready to perform at their best.
In the end, it’s not about what went wrong; it’s about making sure it goes right!
